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How to give grace without losing your boundaries
If you’ve worked any day in your life, you’ve probably worked alongside someone who you may have labeled as “difficult”.
Maybe it’s the team member who resists every new initiative, insisting that "we’ve always done it this way." Or maybe it’s the manager who continuously overlooks your achievements, leaving you feeling invisible and micromanaged.
When frustration sets in, it’s easy to label them as "complicated" and leave it at that. But here’s a uncomfortable truth that completely changed my perspective:
You are complicated, too.
The Trap of Intentions vs. Actions
In his book How to Work with Complicated People, author and executive coach Ryan Leak emphasizes a fundamental truth about human behavior: we rarely see ourselves clearly when workplace friction occurs.
As leadership expert Stephen Covey famously observed:
"We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior."
When we miss a deadline or push back on a decision, we justify it through our good intentions or outside pressures. But when a colleague does the exact same thing, we judge them strictly by the friction they cause us.
Here’s the reality: Everyone is the hero in their own story.
Most people aren't waking up with a master plan to derail your workday. They are simply operating through the lens of their own pressures, fears, team goals, and personal blind spots.
Grace Without Boundaries Is Just Self-Sabotage
Recognizing that everyone is navigating their own complexity doesn't mean you have to tolerate toxic behavior or poor communication. Real empathy requires a delicate balance:
Extend Grace: Recognize that you don't have the full picture of what someone else is carrying or fighting against.
Enforce Boundaries: Protect your energy, time, and mental wellbeing.
As Brené Brown teaches, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."
Boundaries aren't walls built to punish others; they are fence posts that keep you and your team safe. Sometimes, maintaining a healthy boundary means:
Shifting how and when you interact with a specific colleague.
Requesting a reassignment or moving to a new team.
Deciding that it’s time to seek a fresh environment entirely.
Reflection Questions
Before you react to your next challenging workplace interaction, ask yourself three quick questions:
What assumption am I making about their motives?
Am I judging their action while giving my own intentions a free pass?
Where do I need to hold a firmer boundary to protect my energy?
Every situation is unique, and figuring out where "giving grace" ends and "setting a hard boundary" begins isn't always easy.
If you're navigating a tough dynamic with a colleague or manager right now, let's talk through it together.
👉 Book a Free Coaching Discovery Call or reply directly to this email with what you're working through.
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