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- Resilience is A Lifestyle
Check out September’s Monthly Newsletter: Overcoming Rejection
In this month's newsletter
RESILIENCE IS A LIFESTYLE
It was getting closer. I was overjoyed to continue on with this new chapter that was developing after moving to Nashville, but then it happened
It was 9 days before I turned 30 and my life was flipped-turned upside down…
Leading up to this moment, there were some turbulence like you expect in any relationship, but nothing that could have prepared me for what would happen next. I thought we would finish what we started and then we could go back to resolve some things that were not addressed despite my efforts to get help.
I’m being purposefully vague to build up suspense, but I will spare you no longer
Nine days before I turned 30, I signed for a beautiful relatively new home (less than 2 years old) less than 15 minutes from downtown Nashville and was excited for a new life I was creating with my then wife in a new city with a new company and new job in addition to my nonprofit and all things IncrediPaul.
Hours after signing the paperwork, I was shocked to discover that she wanted to be separated so she could think about “the future of our relationship”.
We had JUST signed for the home, so saying shocked is an understatement. However, I tried to remain unemotional as I was also about to give a leadership talk in about an hour for my nonprofit. In hindsight, I could have been more engaged in this initial conversation, but it was pretty clear her mind was already made up.
Fast forward a few months after undergoing therapy for myself to get through the separation and figure out a way to resolve things, I was met with the realization that I was the only one fighting for the relationship. I was repeatedly being met with excuses and rejections after suggesting marriage counseling, and at the same time being blamed for not being supportive while simultaneously not allowing me to be there to support her. It’s important to note, I had moved 2 months earlier as we agreed to get things set up while she was training in a new job so we weren’t living in the same city but up until this point I was seeing her every other weekend.
An example of being pushed away is that she literally said I had to “ask permission to come visit” and that I “can’t just show up unannounced”, I was naive and wanted to do anything to keep her happy to work through things, so I trusted her but it should have been a red flag. I got to the point where I felt that divorce was inevitable and simply waited for her to make her decision while I tried to continue on with my life while navigating a new job, city, and life on my own, all the while she was surrounded by family, friends and the life I had recently uprooted myself from to create this new one for us.
About a week after she finally decided she wanted a divorce, I discovered she had been having an affair for months while she was deciding if she still wanted to be married, in her words “she couldn’t decide between the 2 of us…”. Why she strung it out for so long, I’ll never know. I had some suspicions a month into the separation but waited until I got something concrete before finally confronting her. Discovering her infidelity made the decision that much easier for me to detach. All the guilt I had of not doing enough was gone (though my therapist repeatedly told me it was unwarranted because it was clear she was done with the relationship and just wanted me to suffer).
Throughout this time, I continued to record and put out episodes of the podcast, I led my nonprofit, and successfully completed a few R&D projects in my new job while only a handful of people knew about what was going on and what I was battling for months. To anyone who knew me except for a handful of people, it was business as usual and things were seemingly better than ever. There’s way more to this story, but the other details aren’t too important and I think you get the gist of what I’ve had to walk through.
It would be fairly easy for me to move past this without talking about it broadly, but I thought as someone who talks about Resilience that sharing a personal story of rejection and abandonment through a critical point in my life may resonate with some. Also, I’m doing 1000% better and will continue to recommend therapy as something that is very beneficial. Facing the distress of separation then divorce while also navigating a new city, moving, and job was by far the toughest thing I’ve done and honestly still working through it when I think back as to how things were handled and the lies that were told repeatedly.
One thing that got me through was to understand my limits and starting to “Prioritize Paul” as my therapist consistently reminded me. I took more time to rest and did less and said “No” to things that I wanted to do and yes to the things that made me feel like myself. This meant hanging out with friends more, exploring new restaurants by myself, and going to conferences. Also, many of you know I’m a person of faith, and that has definitely been strengthened through all of this as I don’t lean on my own earthly understanding and trust God’s future plan for my life. It’s critical that we don’t try to figure everything out on our own and seek help when we’re going through difficult times.
If you work for a company, your EAP program may provide free therapy services, or if that’s not available, reach out to someone you trust. We don’t always give our friends the opportunities to be our friend by sharing things we’re going through. I knew I had great friends, but I got experience it when I opened up about what I was facing it. If you don’t have anyone at all, then please reach out to me, I don’t want anyone to have to suffer alone!
That’s it, at least for now, so when I talk about Resilience, believe me I’ve lived it! I’ve developed a relentless solution focus whether that’s been from losing extended family, close friends, or a seemingly forever relationship.
Trust me, I know life is hard, but the most successful people are resilient and take care of themselves. This is how you can Be Incredible!
CONTENT CREATION HELP
Have you thought about starting your own podcast or creating content? Not sure where to begin? A lot of times we just need the tools to succeed. Check out the tools I use all the time to be successful in podcasting and content creation.
VIRTUAL PODCAST RECORDING: Whether you’re recording audio or video, this a great tool for higher quality than recording on zoom and there’s a free version to start!
PODCAST CLIP CREATION: This is a game changer simply copy the link from YouTube or Google Drive and now you have viral potential clips and it gives you a score as well.
MICROPHONE: You need a good sound for your content creation.
WEBCAM: Great webcam for good quality videos without breaking the bank with an expensive camera.
Disclaimer that I’m an affiliate for the above services, but I use them all the time and they’ve been a huge help! Any questions, let me know!
MONTHLY QUOTE
"If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward."
UPDATES!
NEW PODCAST COMMUNITY HAS LAUNCHED
Meeting once a month and next meeting is Saturday November 9 and we have group message for in between to collaborate! It will be an exclusive group for podcasters to connect, share ideas, collaborate, and grow their followings!
COACHING
Are you tired of feeling stuck? Has everything you tried failed? Or maybe you feel like you’ve hit a ceiling in your leadership or career? Reach out to me for coaching help. I specialize in podcasting, leadership, career, and communication coaching! incredipaul.org/coaching. Let’s make 2024 your best year yet!
NEW RISK-FREE CAREER COACHING OPPORTUNITY!
One of the number one reason that people don’t seek out career coaching is they’re worried if it’s going to be worth the amount of money they’re paying and if they’ll actually get results.
I know that and I want to help some of you who may be skeptical by assuming all of risk.
What do I mean?
Well, you will pay $0 for career coaching until you land your job!
BUT… there’s 2 things you have to do
You need to be engaged and active in the process. If you’re not, I reserve the right to drop you as a client at any moment. This is a partnership, we ride together we di… lose together.
You will need to either write or record a review about your experiences. Whatever you’re more comfortable with.
That’s it besides that. You’ll get full access to me in helping with your career transition/ job search and the cost will be 20-30% of the sign-on bonus from your future job offer.
That’s it! So what are you waiting for? Reply to this email to let me know you’re interested or email [email protected]!
Our Mission as the NALA(STEM) (National Alliance Leading the Acceleration of Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) is to unite, support, and build community among all historically excluded peoples in STEM.
CHECK OUT RECENT PODCAST EPISODES OF INCREDIPAUL LEADERSHIP
Reminder new episodes come out every Monday at 6am Central Time. Check it out by going to incredipaul.org/podcast or stream on the following platforms: YouTube, Apple, Spotify, Google, Amazon and More.
EPISODE 90: CLOSED MOUTHS DON’T GET FED
EPISODE 91: LEADERSHIP IN STEM COMMUNICATION
EPISODE 92: LEADING THROUGH IMPOSTER SYNDROME
SERVICES
I’m a leadership coach that specializes in career and business development, go to this link to learn more how I can help you.
The IncrediPaul Community is for people who desire to become the most incredible versions of themselves! They are are goal-driven and action-oriented individuals who desire to grow in their leadership. This community is dedicated to leadership and personal growth especially in going deeper in your career, starting a business, or developing your business. Go to to incredipaul.org/community sign up.
You can support me at any time by getting merch from the IncrediPaul Shop. The shop offers many things including shirts, hats, sweatshirts, stickers and so much more!
I APPRECIATE YOU TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS NEWSLETTER!
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IncrediPaul
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